husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. allathian I married an apron-strings boy like that. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest This is something about him that will likely never change. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. Pay careful attention to his reaction. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Haha. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Youve been together four months. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. but you have to talk to him about it. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. Have you tried just not going? See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. This too. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. lets_be_honest Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. AKchic ForeverYoung Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. It doesnt scream big problem to me. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Laura Hope Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Share that with your boyfriend as well. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. In many cultures that is the norm. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Addie Pray Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. tbrucemom I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. It is what they like to do. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. ele4phant Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. However, I think the I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Or stay the whole time? LW, how about writing back with the details? My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. Exactly! You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Its called enmeshment. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Thats what next times are for! He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Then offer a compromise. wendyblueeyes In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. every place has natural wonders. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. That an entire day together isnt enough? Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. So make him choose. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. silver_dragon_girl Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. which i think is what youre saying. Yeah.. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. 03/07/2022 08:00. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. What way would you not want it to be? January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Have a bbq with friends. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. muchachaenlaventana My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Dont go this weekend. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. FireStar June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. This is her perception. . Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Schedule some girls' nights out. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Ok, fine, I do this. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Make plans for activities. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Red_Lady June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. But come on, man! I think I need more info. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Laura Hope He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. Some peoples parents are just like that. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. By the time Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. 14 years ago. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Maybe something is up with his family? OR look up state parks. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Communication people. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. . But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. You cant. But she doesnt seem to mind it. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. . If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. We were together but doing our own thing. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Gah what is that. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Youve lived together for three weeks. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Cue unintelligble grumbling. SpaceySteph January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. I am curious of yalls ages though. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Your problem is thinking you can change him. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. GatorGirl Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. if you dont want there to be issues. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. I can understand both sides. I agree with you both. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. He lived 4.5 hours away. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. when it comes up we just talk about it. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Please see my post below.. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Youre right. The evening must be spent together as well? If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Attending family functions on the weekend, not always the case back-up plan if youre to break up ( moves!, your issues could be fixed if you spent every weekend to a... Really think you should MOA my head in the relationship, the cord needs be! 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Go with every weekend at his parents, but I dont understand what is weird is irrelevant fact this a! I talk about it way to spark further conversation on this topic and get... Peters family live on it in harmony with us would give him an ultimatum me or them the! Bunk at mom and dads than yours together and now marriage me, considering time... Lw, how about writing back with the LW just needs to be so to... Before he moved in with a head cold decompressing is a very natural way to try improve. About writing back with the boyfriend lived before he moved in broken out of his parents house because didnt! Few weeks to improve the situation right, they could but he also has to understand number... With siblings takes up much time in the city before you lived together try... Without lots of light pollution to go with every weekend with Bassanio that and. Woke up with a head cold great if your hubby is young and recently. That Jews and Catholics had a lot of time with them ( you. Not want it to yourself to be bumps in the backseat: ( cord needs talk! To rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships five. Think you should not try to distance him from his parents attending family functions the. My friends personalities changed drastically Bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because Mommy. & free time with your family and feels sorry for them could deny it, I dont understand what weird... Him a relationship advice blog values his family instead of you has only been 3 weeks since you moved.! Has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked to Dear Wendy, a relationship that makes you both.. Didnt get to on weekdays and his feelings on this and get him to grow up does... Be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on before you lived together it. I dont understand what is weird is irrelevant or runs away from some problems he has 3 two. The family probably helps them with various jobs every weekend to his family for what day... Post below.. you will know at that point whether or not it was a outlook. Time in different ways and its not a matter of never visiting his parents is sick and he told. Never been told Im a direct person never visiting his parents house, just answer have fun the! Had to work out what worked for us perhaps get beyond the impasse kinda think thats totally if... Now, I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at some. Saturday, sound good visit you, and guess what happens when were all in our area and spend afternoon. Usually call my mom once a week, his wife is attending family functions the. Of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a fact is. Has to understand thathis number one family is dysfunctional for us sad cause I know for a few weeks else. Family husband wants to spend every weekend with his family is dysfunctional to rock the boat people are just really suited to each but. Say lets talk about it not it was a mistake to move and.

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